Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Man to Man or Man to Men Sex?

Open relationship? (pic from http://www.fridae.asia)

Regardless of your opinion whether being gay is congenital or nurtured, one question that always bogs me; are we really that different in terms of our sexual quest from our straight counterparts? Do we put sex above everything else? The constant need to justify of our sexual wants despite our status of being single, attached or even married? Is polygamy an accepted way in how we live our lives within our community or is it a convenient excuse for us to satisfy our sexual urges?
I am a zoologist or at least that’s what I studied during my university education although I’m no longer in practice. In the animal kingdom, most male species follow the polygamous way of conjugation and according to the great Darwin’s justification is the need for the male species to spread their seeds as far as and to as many as possible, in short, survival of the fittest. Of course there are exceptions such as the fat-tailed dwarf lemur and the Malagasy giant jumping rat. The amazing fact is that these two animals are truly monogamous. But as human are we truly monogamous or are we monogamish?
 
Malagasy giant jumping rat (pic from http://www.edgeofexistence.org)
If according to mammalian theory, human beings aren't really that monogamous. On the other hand, most of us also do not exhibit a true, no holds barred polygamous lifestyle. I think the right word to describe us is that we're monogamish; the in-between-ness of monogamous and polygamous.
 
Monogamy, a moral choice? (pic from http://www.samesame.com.au)
The religious troops will argue that we as human don’t evolve from animals and God created us. What sets us apart from animals is that we have a highly functional brain where being monogamous or not is a conscious moral choice that we can make. Hence, we should make the choice of being monogamous especially if we have tied the knot with someone else.
 
Pic from http://www.wnd.com
I am not here to debate about this, but what if we are not restrained by our moral obligations and religious values? Do you think that human beings are innately monogamous? Or are we just like the animals that our congenital desire is to practise polygamy instead?
Now this gets even more complicated when you are a gay. Unlike our straight counterparts, most of us are not legally bounded by a piece of paper when we decide to get hitched. Getting asked questions like “are you attached?” or “ do you have a boyfriend?” are common while it is almost nonexistence with questions like “are you married?” or “do you have a husband?”.
 
Gay men more likely to cheat? (pic from http://radaronline.com)
So does it mean that gay men are then more likely to cheat than straight men? According to past sexual population studies conducted, this is indeed true. So this means that gay men are more likely to have more then one sexual partner even when they are attached, especially after a few years of being together.
The next question is why in most cases we get bored of our partner sexually after some time of being attached? According to the straight marriage community, the sacrifice of being loyal to each other in both physical and mental terms is what marriage and love is all about. If it is so, does it mean that gay men love less or is it because that our definition of love is different where sex is just a physical thing while love is an emotional one instead? Maybe, it is the excuse that human beings regardless of our sexual orientation are innately polygamous? Or chasing after the forbidden fruit an adventure that is much sweeter and exciting? Is the forbidden fruit even forbidden if both partners decide to have an open relationship instead?
 
The forbidden fruit (pic from http://crackingtheclosetdoor.blogspot.sg)
Just like many, I used to believe in fairytale-like relationship. It was a long time ago when I was still naïve and even stupid in handling my heart affairs. I met a guy, sparks flew and within a short while, we were attached. To cut the story short, it was almost after a year when he told me that he’s attached to another guy for 5 years before he met me. I was crushed of course but I thought that I would have to accept the fact as he’s not ready to leave his partner. A few months later, my biggest nightmare dawned on me where one evening he told me that he had to leave me because his other boyfriend found out about us and he didn’t want an open relationship any more because he preferred him to me.
 
Open Relationship? (pic from http://www.huffingtonpost.com)
Retrospectively, through hindsight and my own experiences of dating people, I should have seen it coming. They'd been together for almost 5 years, whereas I'd been seeing him for only for a year. That was my first experience of open relationships and while it’s painful knowing that my ex boyfriend already had another boyfriend before we'd started seeing each other, it was even more painful being dumped in favour of someone else especially since I took every effort to accept an open relationship with him.
 
Four's a new company? (pic from http://www.outinthedesertff.org)
I started to look for answer and the more I look the more confused I was until I began to put myself in the other’s shoe. Although I still couldn’t comprehend fully why open relationships work and most probably I will not, at least I am at peace with the concept of polygamy. I am definitely more mature now and begin to accept the gay way of an open relationship. I guess that it works if you believe that giving into our sexual desire with another man is just a natural progression after having sex for some time with the same lover. We get bored after a while and we need new things to turn us on. Sex with another is just a pure physical lust thingy and should be independent of love between the partners.
 
Roman Orgy (pic from http://www.gringo-rio.com)
I guess if we look back to the past, the Romans too are famous not just for their empire but also their polygamous way of sexual habit where they had rampant sex without much bickering. Therefore, the answer may be something in the middle as even our human physiology seems undecided on the issue. It seems that there will always be two sides of the fence in determining what we are or how we live.
 
It's your choice (pic from http://reason.com)
We can be faithful and we can choose not to be. I believe that you and your partner decide what’s best in your relationship. If both decide to be monogamous then jolly well, but if after a while you guys decide to have an open relationship, then be it. As long as it works for both of you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re lovers or cheaters because the rule is up to you to make.

5 comments:

  1. -Gays are not bounded by conventions because in most societies gays have been deprived of legal recognition. Gay unions or partnerships may seem to be more fragile and unstable, but by all counts they are just as loving, caring and honorable as any of heterosexual unions. Because of the societal confernment of legality, the straights call their unions marriage while gays have no word for it. Society is more accepting of heteros jumping from one bed to another while gays in similar situations would be looked down upon as promiscuous and irresponsible. Having said that, many of the world's renonowned anthropologists have suggested that societies should take a second look and even seriously consider discarding our ideas about monogamy

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    1. Good comment! Thanks

      Cheers

      Jimen
      www.facebook.com/jimen.ian.1

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  2. I tried open relationship years ago. We agreed to close one eye and not kiss and tell.

    However, one afternoon I was feeling very horny and invited a fb for a quick tryst. Unfortunately, my bf came back home to get some documents and since I don't need to lock the bedroom door, he saw everything without me knowing since I was too engrossed in heavy sex.

    The next day he packed his bags and left without telling me. He refused to tell me the reason and I was clueless about it. I begged and pleaded but he said his feelings for me had died and we needed to move on.

    It was months later during one of our accidental meeting, I tried to make him drunk to seduce him again. I still believe if I put on my best moves, most men would want me. In his drunkenness, he did started to screw me. I moaned and put on the sluttiest submissive acts as he liked that.

    But he started muttering something about I was disgusting cheap with Dxx my fb. Then he started to manhandled me and it hurt. We had this type of heavy sex before but this time it felt different. It felt more abusive than heavy sex. The last straw was when he literally kick my ass while I was in doggy position and I fell to the ground. I nearly knocked my head.

    That's when I realised he was serious. I gathered my clothes and ran out of the room.

    In retrospective and from his mutterings, I realised he saw my fb and me having sex that afternoon months ago. I have to admit that I am shameless when the top could get me going. For a masculine guy like me, it was so slutty and a turn on for the stud screwing me. But for someone watching from the side, well...like one of my fb said I was worse than a whore in bed and so wrong.

    I guess my ex couldn't take it. I guess when it was between him and me, he was okay. But he never could imagine that same thing of me with another man and seeing it for himself was quite a shock to him.

    So I guess open relationship could lead to jealousy or partners being seduced away by 3rd parties.

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