Monday, November 25, 2013

Are You Trap In A Bear's Cave?

Trap in a bear's cave? (pic from
8.33am. My alarm’s snooze mode buzzed for umpteenth time until I decided to wake up this morning. I was late again and as usual I rushed through my first-thing in the morning routine; I shaved, brushed my teeth, showered, wiped myself dry and finally faced with my daily decision of what to wear for the day. Hmmm, maybe I should wear blue since today’s Monday. Or should I wear red instead to chase the blues away? Decision, decision, decision.

Life is difficult. We live in this world full of choices and decisions to be made. Everyday we make countless of decisions from the available choices. From the simple pick of what to wear each morning, to a more complicated personal or work related resolution, each day we are bombarded with the predicament of making choices, some easy while some are hard.
Why do we choose blue over red? Is it our long-term preference or just merely to satisfy our transient mood of the day? Or can be due to the trend of the colour, being the new black of the season? How about coffee? Are we a cappuccino or espresso person? Is it due to the fact that we are lactose intolerant hence we avoid milk or simply because of the purity we seek in our unadulterated favourite beverage.
Cappuccino or Espresso
How about our lifestyle? Have we already decided to walk a path of no return or are we still debating and diffusing the conflicts that are battling between our minds and hearts? Are we looking for acceptance from our loved ones or our friends and colleagues before we determine which road to choose? Or are we too afraid to face the consequences of our decisions thus avoiding or delaying the onset our congenital preference.
I too was in this predicament before. Being born in the 60s where being gay was frowned upon especially in Asia, I have avoided this decision of coming out and swept it under the carpet for a long time, pretending to live life as a straight person. I mimicked what my peers did, having straight sex talks with my friends, shouting vulgarities between each sentences, pretending to be homophobic (which I was not proud of) and even getting myself a girlfriend and fucking her just so that I can be accepted in their social group. The worse was, I didn’t even enjoy it and I only pretended, for a long, long time. My only wish then was that I could just turn off the gay switch, which I realised it was impossible and non-existent!
For those who are still in such a situation, you may feel that you’re living life as a double agent or worse living a lie. On the appearance, you may seem happy with your friends and family around, supporting your life decisions as they deem norm. But deep inside you, the constant battle of having to pretend to be someone that you’re not and the occasional lusting of your fellow peers makes living life a constant struggle.
Do you believe in Fate? (pic from
Well for some, you may accept this as your fate. The belief and dedication of your mighty divinity may prohibit you from embracing your inner desire and thus continue to live life as a straight person. Some may be pressured by the demands of archaic societal thinking, that behind every successful man, there has to be a woman and a family. The risk of your family and love ones not accepting your lifestyle, getting disappointed or worse ostracizing you will further dissociate your decision of choosing to be one.
Pic from
Whatever the reasons are, the decision of whether to remain at your current state or move on to another, is definitely not an easy one. Just like any politically correct person, I am not here to condone or go against your decision and neither am I to pass judgment on which side is better. In fact sometimes I felt that it will be nice to be straight, married to a wife and have little Jimens running around.
Grass is greener on the other side! (pic from
But I know that’s almost impossible because as much as I want the cherries of being straight, this isn’t a choice I can make. We all know that the grass will always seem greener on the other side. The selfishness of cherry picking on both sides of the fence and what suits our preference will end up not just hurting yourself but also your love ones. When you pick a side, you’ll have to accept whatever the consequences and joys it may bring.
Bear in mind that nobody can make the decision for you. It’s all up to you to make your choice of whether to accept and embrace your sexual preference lifestyle or not and to live life as a straight or gay person. Just like any problems that we face each day, we make the decision and bear all the consequences. We shouldn’t live life for others or worse live life being afraid. We only live once hence make it count and be happy. Whatever problems you may face, trust me that it will eventually be surmounted and your soul will be freer and happier. You can't choose to be straight or gay but choose to be free instead.
Remember, although you can choose your path, you can’t deny your true inner emotions and feelings. I believe in the other school of thought that nobody can be nurtured into being gay but instead you are born as one. There's no choice of being gay or straight, the only choice here is whether we embrace it or not. I chose to embrace mine knowing fully that I may end up being condemned by the traditionalists and grow old alone, I couldn’t keep up with my false pretense anymore but to accept myself for who I am instead.
Be truly happy! (pic from
All I’m saying is be true to yourself because only that you’ll be truly happy. Unless you take the first step of accepting yourself as who you are, for if not, you will never be able to free the struggles that you are facing. I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Leo F. Buscaglia  - “Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” This is Jimen signing out! Be happy and be true to yourself! Cheers.

No comments:

Post a Comment